It was a simple but maybe the most courageous prayer and it went something like this, "Yes". Quite frankly it's all I had left in me. After a week of doubting all the things and wrestling with God over the directions my heart was being pulled, I had to believe that a miraculous moment was close, because things felt impossible. I knew that deep in my belly God was leading me to a moment in time that went beyond my own pain, emotions and plans. I knew that somehow there would be an answer and it would come soon.
I was faced with a decision to make and was wrestling with moving States or going back to the UK after spending a year and a half in Minnesota working for a non-profit. The winter had been long but it offered me this experience of solitude, stopping and healing, a hidden gift to the throes of deep winter. The spring was here, moving fast and Passover and Easter had community journeying freedom experiences and I was personally experiencing waves of hope.
It's a funny old process when all the things you thought would define your next years come to an end. It's a challenge to your soul, your ego, your thoughts and your need for control. I was gripped with indecision and sadness and I felt weak and embarrassed by my situation.
Then it came. The week had been awful and a family member went through a tragic loss. I sat on the dock of a local lake and prayed. Silent prayers mainly but the water tenderly moved its way into the memory of my essence and who I am, bringing comfort and reassurance. I walked home and spent the next few days waiting.
There were no thunderous signs from heaven to my weary questioning heart but there were the memories of the way Yahweh has continually spoken to me in life. This name, Yahweh, has been a moving yet solid experience of my faith. Yahweh is translated in the biblical text as "I Am" (exodus 3) but the more literal translation is "I will be who I will be", drawing us to understand the very name of God as a verb.
"Yes, Yahweh. Yes."
It wasn't a crisis but it felt like a critical moment. It was a moment in a season of transition and a one word answer to all the secrets I had stored and played with in my imagination and prayer life during these days.
This Yes prayer is the Here I Am moments of scripture. So often we see biblical heroes say "Yes" and "Here I am" before they even know the mission they are being sent on and so I mention all of this, to you my friend, as a moment of encouragement. Do it afraid. Say it despite the present circumstances. Know in your weakness, Yahweh is strength and humbly know that your Yes is the most profound surrender of all.
Before I left Minnesota I sang at a women's luncheon. The Chaplin said a prayer at the end of our time together, an excerpt from Dangerous Prayers by Regina Sara Ryan. Here is a small portion of the prayer.
"Let us pray dangerously.
Let us not hold back a little portion,
Dealing out our lives – a precious minutes and our energies – like some efficient accountant. Let us pray dangerously – and safe, profligate, wasteful!
Let us say Yes
again and again and again
and yes some more.
Let us pray dangerously.
The most dangerous prayer is Yes"
Friend, may you find your yes and wonder into this new season. I truly believe it is time.